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  1. I can't get over it.... # 1

    I can't get over it....

    (I posted that in English, because maybe some Americans will read that too)

    The more my depart from my country to the States is coming closer and the more my wedding with my American fiance is closer I am getting upset. I don’t want to be upset, I want to get the feeling out of me and maybe someone has an advice. Here is the story:

    Three days after our engagement my dad had a stroke. My dad is already 80, he was very old when I was born. I was thinking about returning – I still had a few days in the States left – but it was my fiances graduation and I wanted to stay with him. It was very difficult for me, especially despite my situation there was still a lot of arguing going on.
    Anyway, we were with his whole family in a hotel for his graduation and he was at his grandparents room to talk about something with them. When he returned I asked him what they talked about and he said about our marriage. I was excited (I didn’t know what would come up) so I wanted to know exactly what about. And he told me: “Well my grandmother still thinks that YOUR parents should pay for the wedding!- And I think she is right” It just killed me inside.

    Here the story behind:

    My parents are not rich, but I am sure they would have supported our wedding (if it would have been the two of us on a beach or something in Austria) My dad was not flying already before the stroke – so off course a wedding in the States I would have never asked them to pay for. Anyway, the dimension a wedding there takes would have been not affordable for them. And for me a big wedding was never important. The fact is that my dad is now at a nursing home and very sick and my mother has to pay so much for the nursing home that she has to save a lot of money and no extra penny to spend.

    My fiances grandparents are very wealthy. I never expected them for one second to pay for the wedding – it was not even mentioned. I just don’t know why they were worried, they were never asked to pay and if it would not have killed them…

    My fiance and I had many general discussions about who should pay for a wedding, because two of his friends were getting married at that time and the parents of both girls were paying for a huge wedding. He said, he thinks the girls parents should pay. I think this is so stupid, these days - parents often pay a lot for their daughters studies (as my parents did) and the tradition of the parents of the bride paying comes from the days where women could not bring any money through work into marriage. However, I think this tradition was also stupid and discriminating back than, and it is still.

    Anyway, they understand and believe now that my family is not able to pay for a wedding.

    But I can’t get over that, that for my fiance it was such a big topic of who is going to pay for the wedding. And about what he said to me at the hotel. I don’t care what his grandma said, she did not know me so well, and she is old and always worried and I don’t have to get married to her. But how could he say that to me???
    Anyway, I want to get over it, but it is so difficult. I was always thinking my wedding would be the most beautiful day in my life (even if it is very very simple) but I just can’t get over it. I don't even care abouth the wedding anymore, I just want to be able to forgive my fiance.

    Any advice?

  2. I can't get over it.... # 2
    First of all, I'm sorry you are thinking so much during this hard time, which is actually supposed to be a happy time for you and your fiance. You asked what he was talking about with his grandparents and he told you. So in fact, he was just being honest with you. I'm sure he understands that your parents would pay for the wedding if they could.

    My MIL paid for everything - but nobody ever said anything to my parents or me. It is hard to pay for a wedding in America where everything - like you said - gets blown out of proportion real fast and then not be able to attend, not be able so see the flowers, cake, car, hotelroom you pay for. I think your in-laws should understand. They have never met your parents though and they can't relate to it. Just go on with the planning for the wedding - who's gonna pay for it in the end anyway? I hope you have a great wedding and an unforgettable day.

  3. I can't get over it.... # 3
    since it is my fiance and me who have to pay for the wedding it would not be a big wedding anyway, because he just started working - but I am acutally not in the wedding mood anymore. and off couse i want my mom to be there. but i don't want his family to look weird at her because she does not pay for it. so i just want to get it over with...

  4. I can't get over it.... # 4
    Our situation was similar.....traditionally my Mom would have had to pay for our wedding, but she didn't have the money. My husband knew that, it was clear from the beginning. Luckily my in-laws never mentioned anything about it to me.

    We just looked at it that way: My mother spent a lot of money to fly over here and attend the wedding, and that was enough.

    We paid for everything else (and kept it fairly small ).

    I think, for "us Germans" it's different because even though SOME parents do pay for their daughter's wedding, it's not as much a "cultural obligation" as in the US. Over here, it's perfectly normal that parents go into debt just so their daughter can have a big wedding.

    I'd think that that's where your fiance's viewpoint comes from...and especially the grandparents', since their views were shaped in an era where parents of the bride probably ALWAYS paid for the festivities.....for them, it's almost a given that the bride's parents would pay. But they need to understand that a) you're not American and b) the situation is such that it just isn't possible.

    If I were you, I'd have a little talk with my fiance and I'd let him know how much he's hurting you with his attitude....

    Good luck,


  5. I can't get over it.... # 5
    So, your fiance wants your parents to pay for the wedding, too? He's agreeing with his grandparents? I guess I didn't get that in your first post.

    Well, I can understand that he wants to make it right for his family and since they seem wealthy he wants to come up to their standards which - considering you are on a budget - are impossible to meet, I suppose. Talk to him and talk it all over. I know it's easier said that done, especially if you are under all that pressure already, and let him know how you think and feel about that situation.

  6. I can't get over it.... # 6
    oh, believe me, i did talk to him. and no, NOW he agrees that they can't pay for the wedding. he met them after our engagment in summer and he knows that my family is in a difficult situation since the stroke of my dad. I just can't believe what my fiance said just a few days after my dads stroke. I guess I can't believe that someone who really loves somebody would ever say something like that. I just never want something like that to happen again and i want him to say sorry for it.
    My friends in Vienna were all so shocked about what he did that it totally turned me away from him. But maybe I should get over it... It is good to hear different opinions on the story .

  7. I can't get over it.... # 7
    If this bothers you so much I think you need to talk to your fiance and straighten things out before you even get married.

    It was never a big deal for us either who was going to pay for the wedding, we were getting married - we were going to pay for it. I know there are some traditions and my husband mentioned this to me once about the bride's family paying but my parents couldn't even come to the wedding, we both didn't think it would have been fair to them to make them pay.

    Like I said you need to straighten things out before the wedding, if you can't now how will you be able to do so once you are married?? Things in life don't get easier.

  8. I can't get over it.... # 8
    Hi Martisi,

    if YOU can not afford it, don"t spend it. It is so simple. And if you expect your wedding day as the greatest day in your life, how boring your life will occur the next 50 years?

    Your fiance should face reality. No money, no music. And if his friends get it all paid by their familiy, get over it. At the end it is you and him, nothing other matters.

    LG aus Boise


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